WASHINGTON – President Obama named tough-guy TV star Chuck Norris as the administration’s new Director of National Economic Vengeance today.
Mr. Norris will “whip the American economy back into shape,” said the president in remarks before boarding Marine One. “We all know that Chuck Norris fears no one. Indeed, it is only due to Chuck that the United States has avoided the international crisis Joe Biden said we would face early in my administration. Chuck warned off all our known enemies, and so far they have complied. Wall Street will be well-advised to do what he says.”
Barefoot and clad in a black kimono, Mr. Norris refused to identify his first target. “Let’s put it this way,” he said after smashing the podium to pieces. “The next rich weenie who asks for a bailout had better crawl to Washington on his hands and knees. I’ll be watching.”
Asked how he planned to handle relations with Congress, Mr. Norris said he had already been in contact with Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) and Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “They’re going to come to my gym and we’ll all have a nice chat while I work out. I’ve been looking for some new sparring partners anyway.”
Mr. Norris denied responsibility for an unscheduled early close at the New York Stock Exchange today following rumors that he wanted the names of all short-sellers. “These folks are betting against the American Dream. I just want to appeal to their patriotism. If that doesn’t work, I’ll see how much they enjoy dangling off the Brooklyn Bridge. I figure I can hold ten or twelve of them in each hand.”
The former star of “Walker, Texas Ranger” indicated he has no problem with banks that pay large bonuses even while receiving taxpayer money. “It will be a great opportunity to collect donations for charity. I’ve never had anyone refuse after I drive my truck into their bedroom.”
In other economic news today:
Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke revealed the central bank has brought in Reiki Master Tojito Fujihana to assist with monetary policymaking. “Master Tojito’s job will be to direct the Universal Life Force toward our twin goals of controlling inflation and restoring economic growth,” Bernanke said at a candlelight press conference. “We believe that with proper attunement, the energy of the American People will activate a natural healing process. I was dubious at first, but nothing else is working so we decided to give this a try.” As he levitated inside the Fed’s ornate conference room, Mr. Fujihana demonstrated his technique on Fed Governor Richard Fisher. Mr. Fisher gently floated up from his chair and out through the chimney, and at last report was being kept under observation by Air National Guard F-16 jets somewhere over Virginia.
Police in Greenwich, Connecticut, hit the jackpot at the offices of AIG Financial Products. “All we do is wait outside the parking lot and then stop all the Jaguars and BMWs to ask for their Proof of Insurance. Not a single one of them ever knows what insurance is. The tickets we write are easy money for the city.” AIG employees seem nonplussed by the attention. “I thought they were just collecting tolls,” said Bill Weston, a credit default swap trader for AIGFP. “They don’t ask for much – just $150. Heck, I always hand them another $20 just to say thanks for the good service. We have a great police department here.”
In midtown Manhattan, a group of ex-Lehman Brothers bankers meet on Tuesday nights to support each other in their transition to life off Wall Street. With their severance packages almost gone, the bankers are struggling to learn important skills such as how to operate a microwave oven. “I’m used to just asking Juanita for warm water to take my evening colonic cleanse,” said J. Elbridge Bradley, who made up to $10 million a year at Lehman but is now unemployed. “She left a few days after I stopped paying her, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to work this kitchen ever since. So many buttons and knobs – who knew it was this complicated?” Bradley says the support group has been a big help. “Next week I’m hoping to learn how to give myself a hand massage. I really miss the way Roger used to make my knuckles crack.”
Overwhelmed with tired, poor huddled masses, the Statue of Liberty began removing the famous inscription from her base today. “I’ve been scraping it with the torch and the words are starting to come off,” Lady Liberty said as National Park Service Rangers stood by helplessly. “All these people are really annoying. I was put here to welcome immigrants, not unemployed Americans. They already have their freedom – what else do they want? It’s not like I have any spare change under this gown.”
New ETF introductions set a record today.
Financial archeologists uncover 12-year old mutual fund investment newsletter
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