Record Number of ETFs Launched
April is beginning with a blast. More than 15 new ETFs are being launched today, setting some sort of record in the process. We won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Here are the new ETFs:
The Dow is down 200 points – do you know where your fund manager is? With the OnGuard Manager Twitter Tracking ETF you will never have to worry again. Looking over the shoulder of your fund manager with a webcam is so 1999. Now, you can monitor every action your manager makes with a constant barrage of tweets. Plus, we have linked the Twitter account to a GPS transmitter permanently secured to the ankle of your ETF manager – now you will know instantly when he steps away from his Bloomberg terminal.
The JailHouseShares Madoff Percent-a-Month ETF began accepting deposits today. Historically, the inability to meet redemptions ultimately leads to the downfall of most Ponzi schemes. However, with decades of experience under his belt at running this type of fund, Bernie says he has all the redemption problems licked in this new offering. The new ETF will allow in-kind exchanges only for new shares; In-kind redemptions are not allowed. “I guarantee that the NAV will be adjusted upward by 1% each and every month. After a few years, the compounding effect will make your account balance look wonderful and should provide you with extensive bragging rights. It might even be accepted as collateral for a new sub-prime loan.”
Plans for the BankerShares Timmy G. Money Center Bank ETF were unveiled today, and the Dow plunged on the news. The prospectus contained manager comments such as “I love banks! I mean, I really love banks. Do you really think I’m on the side of the investor? Heck, I used to run the Federal Reserve Bank of New York! My buddies are in trouble – I’m going to bail ‘em out, no matter what! That’s what friends do, dabgummit. And besides, I love banks.”
Remember 1996, when Chairman Greenspan warned of “irrational exuberance“? Now you can relive those times every day with an investment in the HistoricalShares Alan Greenspan Target Date 1996 ETF. “Why invest in some unknown future date?” quipped the fund’s namesake. “What people really long for is the ‘good old days’ when I ran the world. Many pundits today like to blame me for the world’s problems. Think again, I told you about irrational exuberance years ago, but most of you didn’t listen. With my new ETF, it is now possible to turn back the clock.”
The FutureShares Z&E Target Date 2525 ETF – This new ETF is managed by the team of Zager & Evans, who state that “In the Year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, they may need a good investment plan.” Their original idea was to load up the portfolio with 500-year zero-coupon bonds, until they realized that the bond issuer may not survive. It will be an actively managed ETF.
Fiat Group Automobiles SpA of Italy today announced their intention to enter the ETF business with a currency fund – The Fiat Currency ETF. “It just made sense” said a company spokesman, “the whole world was talking about our currency, but since we didn’t have one, all that free advertising was going to waste. Now when people want a fiat currency, they can get the real thing.” Note: the company had “no comment” when questioned about the possibility of a Chrysler Currency ETF.
The FrontierShares MSCI Antarctica Index ETF was launched today, but with no bids being presented, the market appears to be frozen. Our contact at the Antarctica Business News reports that a spokesman for the new ETF says “success in the ETF business is all about first-to-market and therefore we are locking up that status for ourselves on the last continent on earth. We also want to introduce the Moon ETF and the Mars Fund, but we are having trouble getting those through registration.”
As expected, the US Government issued a new exchange traded note today – The US Government T LARP ETN. Since this is an ETN and not an ETF, it will not actually invest in assets identified by the Troubled Toxic Legacy Assets Relief Program. Instead, it will be just another debt instrument issued by the government that will track who-knows-what.
The ZombieShares Pre-Liquidated Deathwatch ETF – “We knew this offering was going to stink and eventually end up on deathwatch,” reveals the fund’s sponsor, “so we decided to take a cue from the Pre-Refunded Muni guys and offer this new ETF as being pre-liquidated to avoid the hassle down the road.”
The CheapShares Blue Chip Penny Stock ETF began trading today. Its mandate is limited to stocks that once carried the “blue chip” label, while trading for pennies during the current bear market. “I expect to have no shortage of formerly invincible stocks like Citigroup (C) to choose from before this mess is over” the manager was heard saying.
The highly anticipated GreedyShares AIG Bonus ETN got underway today, based on a new index created to track the performance of AIG bonus payments. As with almost everything from AIG, deposits into this fund will not be used as collateral for the debt obligations associated with this exchange-traded note. Instead, AIG will issue credit default swaps to avoid the Lehman bankruptcy stigma associated with other ETNs. Congress has already ruled that any gains, distributions, or redemptions from this ETN will be taxed at 90%.
It had to happen eventually – there have been so many black swan sightings lately that probability specialists are starting to doubt the existence of white swans. Nassim Taleb has never shied away from placing a bet on a low probability outcome, as long as being wrong didn’t kill him. Therefore, he took this bet with the launch of the SwanLake White Swan Discovery ETF. Mr. Taleb reportedly bought a few call options this morning before embarking on an expedition to the Galapagos Islands, where his quest for the endangered White Swan will begin.
With today’s launch of the BenShares Banana Republic ETF you can invest in 2009′s Banana Republic Hall of Fame inductee – the good ol’ United States of America! This portfolio will contain bills, notes, and bonds issued and backed by the full faith and credit of the United States Treasury. And you never have to worry about this fund running out of money because they can always print more. This portfolio is suitable only for those with the most aggressive risk profile, as there is no guarantee of the return of your principal.
The ConfusedTracks Inverse Short Contrarian Obtuse ETF seeks to profit from taking a contrarian view of an obtuse investment forecast while taking the inverse of the corollary short positions that are in contradiction with the underlying theme. If this approach doesn’t lose money for you, don’t worry. The fee structure will be so high that it is guaranteed to lose value. We believe this product will see high demand from naked short sellers.
The SteroidShares 3x Bull Money Market ETF seeks to match the daily investment results, before fees and expenses, of 300% of the price performance of the Average Money Market Fund Index. There is no guarantee the fund will meet its stated investment objective. With this introduction, we finally get what investors have been craving in this volatile market – a money market fund on steroids. The 3x ETFs usually come in pairs, and this one is no exception with the corollary offering of the SteroidShares 3x Bear Money Market ETF.
The Nicolas Sarkozy Free Market ETF was to be highlighted at this week’s G-20 summit, but fund sponsors soon realized anything with the words “free markets” wouldn’t sell on the European Continent, let alone in a socialist country such as the United States.
The Barack Obama Bracketology ETF was scuttled at the request of his advisers, as his #1 Idea – The North Carolina Tar Heels, was sure to offend his cronies across the triangle in Durham and Winston-Salem.
Plans to offer the InsuredShares Credit Default Swap ETN were put on hold when the sponsor realized that the new “plain English” requirement for mutual fund prospectus language would also apply to ETNs.
The AmateurShares No Market Maker ETN was scheduled for launch today, but the offering was pulled at the last minute when the sponsors discovered that similar funds are already on the market.
Also in today’s news: Chuck Norris Named Economy Czar.
For a “blast from the past” be sure to check out our Starless Funds edition.
Disclosure: We have no positions in the mentioned securities. We believe that these funds are purely fictional, but sometimes it is hard to distinguish make-believe from reality. Any resemblance to any investment, person, or company is purely coincidental. If we somehow offended anyone or revealed the secret plans of an ETF sponsor, it was not done intentionally or with malice. Some of the information was obtained from reliable sources, but most of it was totally fabricated.